Thank god for the NBA playoffs, and the return of the the NFL and even OU football coming back too. I had been inside my head so much, that sports truly was my biggest escape. The schedule was the same, auto-pilot was now in place. I'd go to millennium to give the same tours, lease the same apartments and take multiple phone calls. If it wasn't that, then I'd be in class just two times a week with my zoom screen black and muted knowing that I just had to read a novel and answer questions. If it wasn't for that, then I'd be on the campus, in the office taking phone calls, hearing my stories of students wanting to leave and figuring out ways to get their money back. Or I would sign my acceptance cards, and I would end up folding boxes all shift and if it wasn't that, then I'd be spending time to myself still with the numbness hitting me.
When the NFL season started, it was more centered on social justice than ever before. The future of the NFL was more black than ever. Growing up being a fan of football, I always figured the day would come when black quarterbacks would be more appreciated and be seen just as talented as their white counterparts in the league. Seeing so many black quarterbacks starting in the NFL this season, as well as how many were in college on the rise made me grateful to see them get their chances to shine.
While the Texans and Chiefs joined arms in solidarity, the loud boos could be heard throughout the stadium before the game. That was aggravating. I took to Twitter to see the idiocy that others thought of it too. However, as the game went on, and as the season continued, I realized that I wasn't happy anymore with anything I saw on my phone. No app I opened gave me anything to look forward to. I questioned so much as to why I was even scrolling through Instagram, why I gave hours to Twitter looking at opinions, and just what was my reason for being on snapchat. What ate at me the most though, was how much sadness I felt comparing myself to others. It felt easier to see what others had, rather than seeing what they were going through themselves.
I felt as if no one cared, as if anything I put out to the world wasn't on the same level as others. I know this sounds ridiculous, but it was actually how I felt while on social media. If it wasn't that comparison feeling washing over me, it was the overwhelming feeling of not feeling as If I was doing enough, learning enough or contributing enough to the ongoing BLM movement. In addition to that was just seeing terrible story after terrible story. Whether it was protests and judges decisions on cases months prior, or witnessing more atrocious acts of racism and oppression.
I just stopped it all. After another meaningful therapy session, I just walked away from Twitter for good. No matter who I unfollowed, or whatever thread crossed my way, I hated everything I saw. I no longer had that fear of missing out. It felt like everything was shortened, everything was made fun of, and everyone's opinion carried the weight of the world behind it. I know it's easy to just not care about these things, but when I deleted the account, rather than just uninstalling the app, I knew that I was deleting the algorithm of awful things I no longer wanted to see. It didn't matter about the amount of success, or likes or comments something got anymore. I was going to see what I wanted to, and be informed on what I wanted to. I outgrew whatever I cared about was trending.
Sometimes I would sit and hang with close friends as they discussed things trending, and I wouldn't have a clue, just smiling oddly and laughing, knowing I wasn't in the loop. That was okay though. I found myself more grateful to talk about things off of the spectrum of social media, and more opinion based, asking deeper questions and getting to know people more that way. Did anyone really care? I don't know, and I didn't care at all. That was an empowering feeling, the first one I had in quite some time. It didn't mean I was better or was above anyone else. However, I did mean that I wasn't subjecting myself to comparisons, opinions and ideas clouding up my creative space everyday.
Once I was hidden in my own shell, to myself, I wanted to write more of Dubiety, but I couldn't. The writers block was intense, a phase of my life where my hands and my mind weren't operating on the same spectrum. Instead, I allowed my brain to digest more of what I wanted to see on YouTube, different streaming services and sports. I let myself breathe again, knowing that this month was my time to watch more sermons by Mike Todd and let more of my worries and anxiety be lifted. The main reason I had to take these steps during this time, was because most importantly felt as if this Dubiety post was worthless. I felt as if it wouldn't resonate and that what I was saying wouldn't mean anything. When I felt down about my own writing, that I had control over, that I knew wasn't even assigned to me and wasn't getting graded...I knew something was wrong.
This month set the tone for the rest of the year. I was still missing a part of myself that had so much passion, energy and belief that things were going to get better. The entire year I was constantly rebuilding myself, but with the added weight of my own expectation of what success and happiness meant based on the comparisons of others. Now, things were different. Nobodies opinion of me as to what I wrote or believed was going to faze me anymore. As the Sundays of the NFL season sped the month up to the end, I saw the exact thing I knew I was missing.
As sensitive as people can be about a subject that the rest of the year was encapsulated in, seeing that an election was on the horizon was that very thing I felt was missing to feel better about life again. It was time to block out all of the noise and make things simple once again. Work at Millennium and Admissions, no matter how unhappy somedays I felt at them, wouldn't budge me. My school work was going to get taken care of, and my goal of graduation was only a few months away. However, I had to feel proud of something I couldn't four years ago, and that was voting.
Now was the time to take care of all of that emotion I had about how the country looked and was shaped, and do something about it. It was time for the election process. I had voted for Joe Biden to win the democratic nomination months earlier. When Kamala Harris was announced as his running mate, I knew that this was going to the most important election ever, so as the first Presidential debate came upon is, it was time to feel hopeful again.
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