How You Finish (December)

This was it, the final month of the year, and the culmination of my college career. When I turned in my final assignment, it felt as if I were silencing the most annoying sound I had ever heard ringing in the back of my head. Unlike most of my peers and friends, I didn't have a final exam at the end of the semester. I simply turned in one last novel analysis. When I pressed the send button and deleted the canvas app afterward, I didn’t know what I wanted to do next.

My co-workers and friends were all studying and cramming for their finals, so this feeling of having no pressure of school anymore at all was unheard of. I did know one thing that I needed to do next, I needed to see my family. I had the chance to finally celebrate my birthday without having to study beforehand or even have an exam or assignment to turn in. This year, for the first time in forever (and I mean forever because my birthday is always surrounded by school), I could focus all my energy on what I wanted my birthday to look like.

I hadn’t seen my family since March. The weight I threw off my shoulders of school also followed with it the anger and resentment I had about anything going on in the world at that time. My excitement was impossible to miss every time I went to work. By this time, I had fully left my job at admissions and recruitment because I fully wanted to detach myself from the campus, the lifestyle, and the responsibility of being a student anymore. Just looking and walking around the campus was exhausting and didn't bring the same joy it used to.

When I requested time off from work for the week of both my birthday and graduation, I felt so much selfishness in me. The right kind, if that makes sense. This was my first-time requesting time off since I started working back in the summer. My time at Millennium leading up to my vacation for myself was hectic and draining a lot of the time. Working with fellow college kids about their apartment issues, trying to level and reason with them, and sometimes getting your head yelled off by parents can be taxing. Add that with everything else I allowed my mind to suck in and emotionally drain itself with, and I needed a break.

I was selfishly happy for myself. When the day came for me to leave finally, it felt amazing. I wasn’t just visiting my family, I was establishing a new connection with them, the first since March. I was coming back to the people who helped me get through college the most, the people who always have believed that I would get to this point. When I came through the door to see my mother, relax, and unwind, I felt as if I had traveled to a different point in time, a time where things felt so much slower and more peaceful.

Unlike the streets of Norman, the neighborhood my mother lived in was everything I needed. It was peaceful, quiet, and still. I took a walk around the block without my mask on because the atmosphere allowed it. Simple strolls around a nice quaint neighborhood brought back an innocence of not feeling responsible for everything. I was enjoying my own time again, away from so many things that plagued my thoughts. I finally could let my mind rest and recover.

When I woke up the next morning, it was my birthday. Out of the 365 days of the year, this was my day to be happy for myself. Throughout that day I got message after message of birthday wishes which brought me joy every moment. Baking a cake with my mother and spending time doing what I wanted to do on my day was the greatest feeling I could imagine. This was my first time since I was in high school that I was celebrating it with her. All the times I'd see others celebrate their birthdays with their families every year, and now I got to spend time with my own on my special day. I made sure to reconnect with the man who always knows me better than my own self. Di’angelo and I do not interact or speak that often, because we are states away and live our own lives, however, every time we do cross paths it's special. We always pick up wherever we last left off in life.

I chose to do Topgolf. To keep things simple, honest and comedic…I don’t remember much of my 23rd birthday after a few swings and drinks in (This sadly but also in a fun way became a theme of the year). I remember watching all my friends throughout the year celebrating occasions, get togethers and having the time of their lives. I wasn’t and most likely never will be the kind to have a lot of people celebrating my day of birth like that. This is because I love letting loose in front of those who are the closest to me, and too many people celebrating me at one time will always make me feel a bit awkward. Instead, I chose to be my most authentic self in front of family and my inner circle.

Di'Angelo and I celebrating

I’m sure I posted some embarrassing things on social media to my close friends just to let them know that I was having the time of my life. Funny enough though, my birthday wasn’t the event I was most excited for when coming home and spending it with family. Of course, it was celebrating graduation. I realized very shortly after my last advising session that having a graduation in person wasn’t possible. The more cases rose in the fall because of school and the election rallies, the more the image of walking across a stage to receive my degree faded.

I didn’t care about that moment of walking in person anymore. I wanted to solidify that I was done and had reached the end of this long and arduous journey. Graduating in a pandemic was something that I never would’ve imagined a year prior. Before the ceremony, in-between my birthday and the actual graduation, I got to spend time with my sister. She had a new apartment, and Freddie and she had recovered from the fire and were building a newer life together. The guilt I felt inside myself for not being there to help her everyday getting through it eroded away when the more her and I spoke to one another in person.

Spending time with my Shalisa felt so natural and fun. I couldn’t even remember the last time we did. Shopping around the mall, laughing and sharing stories with one another was what made all those nights alone, wishing I could be by her side not as taxing on the heart. I went through most of my college career away from my family.

Now, I knew exactly where I wanted to be after college, right by their side. They needed me as much as I needed them, especially during this time. I wanted the next chapter of my life to incorporate them a lot more, because I was older, had my degree, and could build something stronger with them than ever before.

I even had time to spend with Mr. Abney and catch up with him as well too. There was this overarching theme in the form of a question, “are you coming back, and if so, when?” I had an automatic answer of “February.” In the back of my mind, I knew my lease was up in May, so getting out of Millennium earlier than my lease was always the plan. Did I really have a plan of how I was going to do that and how fast I was going to get it done by February…no. Did I know it was because my optimism carried me into knowing it would get done by then and I always had that confidence...well, I guess that's probably why I said it so easily.

Shalisa, myself and mom at my virtual ceremony.

However, in the moment, I knew everything was going to work itself out. When the night of the ceremony happened and I got to throw on my cap and gown and celebrate with my mother and sister, it’s exactly what I needed it to be. No, it wasn’t in the stadium surrounded by other peers who were also graduating, but it was the moment that mattered most. It wasn’t just about my graduation though.

Afterwards, we took time after mine, to celebrate Shalisa’s as well. The original plan for us both in May of 2020, was to travel to two different graduations in Texas and Oklahoma all as a family and celebrate all together.

Shalisa and I's graduation presentation slides

Although it didn’t pan out that way, the three of us, my mother, sister, and I all had our degrees and were back together for the first time in a while…laughing as a family again. Everything I wanted the week away from Norman to be exceeded my own expectations. By the time I left, I let everyone know that WHEN I came back in February, it would be for good. I never looked at Norman, Oklahoma the same. When I walked back through the doors of my apartment, it was just me all by myself now. My roommates had left to go back home to their families for the Christmas break. There was no such thing as a Christmas break for me anymore.

Now instead of an apartment of 3 other roommates in it. I had it all to myself. Although I had nobody living with me for the rest of the year…my inhibitions decided to be my roommates and torture my mind again. Even though I got my degree, even after I knew a new president was getting inaugurated in a months’ time…I still did my last bit of thinking to myself all on my own.

The inhibition's and the solutions

The pressure I put on myself of what I wanted to do with this degree resurfaced. I was much more than just a Professional Writer. The way I ended my time at OU academically didn’t reflect who I wanted to be as a writer. As I sat on the couch in the living room all by myself, watching my shows and relaxing physically from the stress of everything outside the door, everything I really was afraid of was inside of me.

Every time I even posted anything on social media, I hesitated and was terrified. Mostly because everybody knows my degree. Every email, text, post, analysis, and paper I’ve ever sent and turned in I always worried about making a mistake, because my degree makes everything I write seem as if it must be perfect. The curse of perfection flowed through me as I reflected.

I always knew that it was okay to make mistakes, and that everything I was getting my point across with was subject to some form of a misspelled word or something out of place. It just happens, you know. My own expectations of where I wanted to be after graduated wasn't where I had imagined. Instead of letting myself be okay with that, it ate at me even more. I wanted to be successful instantly. I wanted to feel like everything would make sense now that school was out of the way. My mind instead flooded with thought after thought of things I needed to live and be okay with.

I still couldn’t find the strength, even after graduating to write Dubiety. I had an apartment all to myself, with no stress of school on my shoulders anymore. What was stopping me? I realized how exhausted I was of caring about so many things. An aspect of my life I knew was more damaging than helpful for me for so long was who I wanted others to see me as on social media. The likes, comments, and understanding of how to reach an audience and be understood kept me up late so many nights for no reason. Will they even like Dubiety? It's about me, how many people can really care about what I thought about? Are they expecting a book, a novel with fleshed out characters? What If I don't post anything? Maybe that's just the better decision. I felt so weird and so distanced from society just with what I wanted others to know about me. When in reality, I had to remind myself why I was even writing this. This was about me, for myself, and hopefully to reach out to anyone, even if its just one person. I took days by myself to look through my feed, followers and platform and looked at them more different than before. I refreshed and revamped how I wanted it to look, for myself this time.

So many hours spent comparing, not feeling great and proud of myself were now meaningless. This person looks like they've made it. They look happy with their life. Am I happy with my own, even after graduating? I finished college, in the middle of a pandemic. I felt trapped inside my own mind for so long because I needed to gather up all my thoughts and emotions and not attack myself because of how I was feeling, but instead…I had to get them across and filter out what I needed to feel.

What about the community? What about the very thing that shook my mindset the earlier in the year? How impactful could I have been to other black people? Was I doing enough? Did I just watch these things happen and not do anything about it? I had to understand that people who were the same color as me or not were going through their own mental hurdles. There were people who I didn't hear a lot from. There were also people who did everything they could to spread the movement, kept themselves engaged and educated and constantly expressed themselves. I had to let go the notion that even when it came to issues of race, that I wasn't allowed time to focus on what my brain was exhausted with. As much as I spent nights wanting to understand it all and speak and listen to everyone, seeing videos everyday of death and constantly seeing the color of your own skin plastered with fact after fact after fact of history was taxing.

I held onto that failure of Gaylord Strong for so long. Although, I always knew deep down that it impacted people and spoke a message of its own. I had to tell myself that it wasn't a failure at all. I thought of the people who wore those wristbands in the sit in. I had to think of what it came across to people who had no clue what was going on, to see something being done. It was the thought of trying, putting effort into something and believing in something again.

I had to let go of the burden of not getting everything done in the NABJ that I wanted to. I was done with the position. I let go of all that resentment of the things we didn't get to do. It changed to being grateful that the organization became what it has become. That feeling of gratefulness came back again as I could lay those resentments to rest.

There were times in the year I was called a mentor, and influence to others. I never felt like one. I was appreciative and in the back of my mind, I knew the time speaking my mind could impact people, but I didn't like being called one. Those nights alone throughout the year, reflecting on so many issues and how they made me feel, allowed me to speak influence and advice to others unconsciously.

I spent more time listening, responding with more questions and getting to know people more outside of whatever their social media let on. It wasn’t just for the culture, but because whatever ideas and thoughts I had deep inside, needed to breathe and be heard to grow on their own as well. If I happened to be who I am, and impacted someone and helped them grow themselves, then that’s all I could be grateful for.

This all wrapped itself around the thought of legacy. What did I want to be remembered for at OU? Was it just the NABJ? Was it my face on the Gaylord wall, until I wanted it not to be? Was it bringing others together in Headington college? Was it the hours spent on the track grinding and truly being an athlete? So many thoughts racing repeatedly in my mind as I’d lay on the couch for hours by myself.

All those thoughts were picked off one by one, as I knew that importance of why I started writing Dubiety. This wasn’t for others to know more about me. This was for me to finally let my brain express how I had been feeling all year long. More importantly, it was to showcase that nothing that ever flowed through my head with was crazy, or out of the norm.

There was never anything wrong with thinking a lot, or answering your questions or inner thoughts. So many others around the world were dealing with their own things, and found their own ways to deal with the virus, the unrest, the changing times, and political landscape shifting. Instead of judging and thinking I knew people, I spent more time understanding that truly everyone's life was their own, and how they chose to go through this time was up to them. I also knew I wasn't the only one in the world that had so much time to myself letting my brain scratch itself with thought after thought. Not everyone was as in tune with their mind as I was becoming, but finding like minded people who did was refreshing.

As Christmas time came, I celebrated it all by myself. My gifts to myself were the hours I spent after graduation finally feeling a sense of peace and understanding with my own self. Being able to wake up the next day and be optimistic again was the greatest gift I could give myself. The silence of the environment, and letting my brain heal was tremendous. Laughing by myself, exploring new ideas and being excited about life again was a blessing.

When the new year rang in, of course it was spent with Anthony and his crew. Just like my birthday, I didn't remember much of it, rightfully so. It was fun to spend the last moments of the most unpredictable year, with the people who's happiness and fun was the most predictable. I never had a bad moment spending time with them. It was about living and making the most of each day now anyway I chose to.

I was no longer scared of life after college, of the expectations and pressure I had put on myself to be something bigger than I already knew I would be. I was growing everyday, learning everyday, and I finally was taking care of myself. I had reshaped what success, achievement, understanding, and greatness meant in my own mind. I spent so long looking for who I used to be and the tools and thoughts I used to go to to strengthen that inner optimism. When all along, I was forming something new that was even stronger. Life truly is a story, and no matter how unpredictable it may seem, I was writing a new page of it every day.

I think everyday about what my sister and I talked about before I graduated. I was curious and wanted to know something.

“What does it feel like when you’re finally out of school?” I asked her.

“You get your life back...that’s what it feels like,” she said. (Here I am finishing Dubiety on February 18th, 2021), and she’s absolutely right.

Thanks for making it to the end.