Two older white males debating the importance and future of the country and how they would run it. The first Presidential debate was like watching the Super bowl. Unlike a lot of people around me, who I knew were just going to vote and move on, a part of me truly cares about all of aspects of the political system. When I left social media's biggest disfunction of Twitter, it was because I didn't care for anyone's opinions on it regarding the election. Around this same time, I made sure that I wasn't going to let anyone's thoughts or beliefs stray or change me from what I was listening to and receiving when the two of them spoke.
One man was in charge of the nation currently, and had displayed all the things that I didn't want to see anymore. I never wanted any aspirations of running for office, but seeing Barack Obama being the president in 2008 was something special. It showed progress in the country. I valued being told at a young age what people could see. Ever since then, I was enamored and still connected with politics in general. Fast forward to Donald Trump winning, and I remember every emotion I felt the day after and beyond.
The day after the 2016 election, I stepped away from understanding and caring about politics altogether. It was a part of me that had faith, hope and carried with it a higher form of knowledge of what power truly meant. This election in 2020 though, carried with it the weight of the world. As I sat in Headington college watching the debate between Biden and Trump commence, I watched every second of it, astonished, appalled, enlightened, and at times even liberated. I just wanted to see someone give a damn about the country again. The multiple interruptions and cross-talk made the internet explode with no hope of things getting better. Just constant back and forth and no real understanding, but always having the underlying message of "VOTE."
This was because I didn't vote in 2016. At that time, I truly felt as if it didn't matter. Four years later, and I felt the disrespect to my own ancestors by not participating in something they fought for. This time, I was all in. However, I didn't spend time looking at my peers opinions or social medias propaganda. Instead, I spent countless hours researching topics of change, watching documentaries and explanations of how things have been and how they could look going forward. I watched in depth analysis reviews on how America even got to the point of voting for Donald Trump. Then I took time to see the history of Biden and Harris. I forged in my head what I wanted change to look like and how I wanted to feel WHEN it would come.
I always knew Joe Biden and Kamala Harris would win. I had never been more dead set and stubborn about something in my life. Some friends would worry, some family would send links and articles of why it was going to be close, but I had this burning strength in me, and a hidden smile underneath my numb stare at work everyday that solidified that final piece in me that I was missing. I was missing that optimistic power I lost when I would sit in class in February. That hungry animal of a man who wanted to see things play out, who wanted to believe in something again was back.
When my mail-in ballot came for me to choose my next leaders of power, I didn't want to think about anything else but the power I had to do this. I didn't just bubble in people, but I researched every aspect of who I was choosing, why I was choosing, and what impact this would make.
However, I made sure to listen to others opinions whenever I was asked certain questions or asked how I felt about the election in general.
While the debating continued, of course I took more time to appreciate more and more of the BLM movement. I didn't stay up to date with everything, but I used my time in those therapy sessions to discuss my opinions on things and the power I would have to make differences in the future myself. I had spent so much time of the year feeling bad for the things I didn't do, when in reality, I was reminded that anytime I spoke deeply with my friends about issues, or even just made them feel comfortable expressing themselves, that was something. I had enough of putting too much pressure and weight on my shoulders. I had to take care of myself everyday anyway I could. I was giving myself the power again to believe what I wanted to, shape the future I wanted to, and feel what I wanted to.
I thought of my father a lot, and how grateful he would be that I was going on my own personal journey. Often times, I felt that I wanted to save the whole world, help every single person, understand and dissect everyone's individual problem. This was a curse and a blessing of caring about others the way that way I did. I realized soon enough throughout the month that it was morose "to each their own."
As I spent my time watching the NBA Finals in the bubble between the Miami Heat and the Los Angeles Lakers, I allowed myself to just watch the game, enjoy every minute of it, and feel happy about the smaller things again. When the championship was raised, I was more happy seeing an entire organization, such as the NBA, still find a way to push through the adversity of a global pandemic, to provide these larger than life superstars their jobs and the satisfaction of winning a championship again. The NBA set a great standard for how to keep players safe and still deliver greatness along the way. Instead of wanting everyone locked inside and thinking that the quarantine was the only way to move forward, I understood how the world worked, especially how the country operated still.
Was there still unrest? Yes. Was there still hatred and misunderstanding in the world? Yes. But spending too much time putting everything on my shoulders, as if I were supposed to know it all and feel it all everyday was unhealthy. I would still go to work everyday at Millennium, and by this time I had mastered my auto-pilot. I'm sure it came across as unbothered to my co-workers. This was a skill I had never mastered before, how to seem and feel unbothered by things. No ones opinions being said seemed to phase me the way they used to. I just did my job. I drifted away from my personal attachment on campus of admissions and recruitment. I was honest with my boss about my emotions throughout the summer, knowing that when I did graduate in just a few more months, that I'd be grateful to take a break from seeing the campus again and feeling trapped like I did thus far.
I was shaping who I wanted to be in the future more now. Before I knew it, I had heard that Donald Trump himself got COVID. The irony....well, that speaks for itself. By the time the socially distant second debate had come on, I was more enthralled, informed and even entertained at parts about how this was going to play out come November.
By this time in the year, I had even heard a vaccine. The thought of one seemed impossible to fathom. This is was what showed me that people never stopped working to help others. I thought of all the healthcare workers, all the hospitals overflowed and overcrowded, knowing that there was going to be a light at the end of this long arduous winding tunnel. What weighed on my emotions for so long the most was wanting to help every single person that was going through their own emotional journey. I was going through my own and had to think about what was most important.
At this same time, another familiar face was consistent, branching out from being just a friend, to being a brother now. Myles by this point in time was someone who took everything as seriously as I did. The safety measures he took to protect himself and his opinions on the future of the country reminded me that my small inner circle of people I communicated with was all I needed. We grew as brothers, watching games and understanding how to navigate through the craziness of the world.
Having close male friends was personally rare for me in college. I was preoccupied with so many things, that my male friends felt like occasional acquaintances who I didn't have enough time in the day to truly conversate deep topics with. Now I did. Almost every time we hung out, it strengthened me, mainly because he too was graduating in December. I didn't feel that bad anymore about when I was graduating, but instead, I felt grateful that I had a brother who was transitioning in life during a pandemic and was as optimistic about the future as I was.
As I saw Halloween approach, I knew by this point how reckless it was to go to a party and celebrate with a huge group of people. I had no desire to celebrate anything this year. I didn't care for it. As the holiday did come, I thought back to a month prior, when I was invited to a party by one of my co-workers in their apartment. These same people who I spent everyday getting to know better invited me to hang with them.
I was pleasantly surprised that people who knew me more for the extra-curricular activities I did to relax wanted me to hang with them. It was my first get-together without masks. Maybe I missed that feeling of being around other people again. Maybe I had spent so much time alone, so much time inside of a box that I wanted to break out, only for one night.
Even though I interacted with co-workers and all in all had a good time and even took a memorable photo, I went back to my apartment feeling the best I had in a while. The laughs and memories made were worth while. We all trusted each other and collectively had stories in the office for days to come. It was a smaller gathering, but definitely one where I left myself go the most all year. Getting a negative COVID test days later reassured me how reckless I could be, but also how lucky I was. That was my slip up.
As I watched my favorite shows alone in my room on Halloween night reminiscing about that party a month prior, I was glad that I wouldn't sacrifice that feeling until I felt safe again. Reminiscing made me understand that I was human and could let loose, if it meant I was being safe. Only this one time though.
When I woke up the next day, I sealed my mail-in ballot and knew that no matter what anyone said or felt, I was doing my part, something I didn't do four years ago.
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