What had begun first as a President and a Historian as executives in the same organization, grew more to a brotherhood between Anthony and me. I would see some other of my friends at the time, choosing to play Russian roulette with their lives by having group gatherings that they chose to attend. At this point in the year, I had only hung out with Anthony, his roommates from time to time, and one of my closer friends who at the time was in quarantine so much, that I only saw her once every few weeks. That changed when I found myself with an opportunity on social media to start working for Millennium.
It was working in the front office as a community assistant. When I was interviewed (which was through Instagram video chat and not Zoom), I got the job pretty much the next day. I saw the opportunity to save money on my rent and dip my toe in the leasing consultant business. Unlike my job working in recruitment, and even my other temporary summer job working as a New Sooner Orientation guide (which were both virtual), it was my first time working in person again. This was an actual office.
Now, within just a few short weeks, I went from only hanging out with Anthony and my close circle of people, to being an employee in an office, having to trust my co-workers to keep themselves safe too. Thankfully, we kept the office doors closed, and made everything operate online and through the phones, which gave me a bit more comfort with the role. The hunger for working again, and maximizing my opportunities hit me again. When I applied on Indeed and got an interview to be a social media marketer for the Campus Corner association, it was the fastest interview and hiring process I had ever been apart of.
Now, just like that, I had four jobs all at the same time. I went from wondering where I was gonna find my next job, to having the most I’ve ever had at one time. I was busy learning new things from each one, while also juggling just trying to finish my math course. There was lot on my mind all at once. I wanted to channel the same workaholic mindset I had before the virus even started, but I couldn’t. If anything, I felt guilt, because I realized so many people had lost their jobs, were trying to look for a new one, and just tried to stay afloat and support themselves.
I couldn’t find a moment to feel happy for myself, or even enjoy the little victories. I posted on social media that I was working again, and only for a moment felt happy about it. I used everything I posted to cover up how I really felt. I oversaw running the OU social media page and gave an overview of who I was at OU. I answered questions, and still didn’t feel like I was doing anything important.
I spent hours inside the apartment still thinking about George, about Ahmaud, about if the movement was causing change, and if I was ever going to be able to feel safe where I was as who I was. During this time when I felt the most unsafe, Anthony had invited me to the Juneteenth event in Norman. This was the first indoor event I would’ve been going to since before the pandemic. When he and I arrived, it was the first of its kind, bringing attention to a historic day in black history. This was also the first time I had seen my other executives in person since our last meeting I ran. Seeing them again brought back a lot of memories. Some of the emotions I felt in that moment included the gratefulness to just see them again.
Yet, that pit of failure of Gaylord Strong sank in me again. I felt so awkward because I hadn’t known how they had been. Ironically, when the Vice President and Public Relations chair had mentioned that Anthony and I were hanging more, it made me laugh, considering it felt like the four of us were just all friends, just people who were all collectively trying to get through the worst parts of the year. The two of them were no different from the two of us. I brushed off any bad feelings I brought onto myself, and cherished the moment, enjoyed the evening, and got some items being sold from local black owned businesses. I wanted so badly for there not to be any masks, for us to be able to hug, take pictures and feel like there was no virus at all.
However, at the same time, I felt incredibly uncomfortable just being surrounded by so many people. I was someone who followed everything I saw and was instructed by the health organizations to a tee. This was my first event of more than ten people.
It felt a bit wrong to be there for a health reason. I was worried that I might catch COVID at an event that was supposed to celebrate black history, while the Black Lives Matter movement was at full strength around the world. The irony was truly palpable. By the time I was done hanging out with Anthony and had returned home, I felt like no matter where I was, what I was doing, or what atmosphere I was in, I couldn’t escape that cloud of guilt and negativity over me. It felt weird even watching other people happy. I wanted to lock myself away and not see anyone or talk to anyone. I spent so much time in my thoughts that it angered me. I would be angry at anyone without a mask, angry at the virus for taking so many lives, and just distraught by the rise in cases and deaths everyday.
Everyday I thought about the hundreds of thousands of people who passed away of COVID, and would question any sliver of happiness I gave myself. I needed help, and when I finally was on the verge of snapping, I did something that I knew would help me the most when I needed it.
I started therapy in late June. I felt so much weight, guilt, and negativity on my shoulders that I needed to talk to someone who didn’t know who I was. Instead of talking to my closest friends about it and riddling them with my problems, instead of putting my feelings out for the world to see (which I guess I'm doing right now), and instead of telling my own family…I had to seek someone who’s job it was to handle this.
When I had my first session, it wasn’t just to tackle things I was feeling about the current day, but also to battle demons of my past that wouldn’t relinquish themselves from my mind. I hadn’t been eating well, I wasn’t working out, and mentally, I was a wreck. Starting therapy was the best decision I had made the entire year, because I finally had time to unleash everything I was feeling, about everything that was going on.
I thought at first, they would just be monthly, but soon after the first session was over, I knew that I needed to make them bi-weekly, because almost every night I fell asleep, I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on anything but the weighing thought of waking up, protecting myself, doing the right thing, and trying to be happy for myself any way possible. It didn’t matter that I had multiple jobs and I kept myself busy, or that I had finished my math course and got a B in it, which meant that I was now just one course away from graduation…I just couldn’t shake this feeling off my shoulders.
Summer of 2020
Part III (Extra Noise)
After The Last Dance documentary had ended, there went my sports adrenaline. When the summer went on without it, the next big announcement I paid attention to, was the uneasy feeling, knowing that the NFL preseason would be cancelled. At the same time, I was figuring out that other conferences in the NCAA were cancelling their seasons entirely. The Big 12 conference wouldn’t waver, and didn’t cancel, which meant that OU football in the fall was still a thing to expect. I juggled my opinions on it, because on one hand, I was understanding of cancelling seasons, to protect and stop the spread.
However, at the same time, some argued that the players would be safer by having the safety of the facilities changing their ways to stop the spread themselves and continue football to give their players a chance to potentially get drafted to the NFL (which at this point we all would figure would still have a season one way of the other).
There were no sports though, but there were two things that simultaneously happened which made up for a lack of excitement in sports. Music became an unbelievable medium of an escape during the entire time, and my favorite rapper J. Cole had released new music. It was just a few songs, but they were enough to make me forget everything for a little while. One that same day he released, it was Anthony’s birthday, who was also a huge Cole fan as well. We got a chance to celebrate him turning twenty-one finally. It was nice to celebrate someone else and feel happy for them reaching another year, even amid a pandemic.
The days I spent working at Millennium, I continued to listen to Cole and other artists to feel better any way I could. The therapy sessions unlocked more and more of my happiness again.
Before I knew it, I saw that the NBA was returning, in a bubble to contain all the players at the end of July. Even though there were no fans, seeing athletes competing again, staying safe, and finding a new escape from all the negativities was worth every day I spent working through so much emptiness inside.
Then, one therapy session, my therapist had pitched to me the idea to write about how I felt since I was so close to getting to my degree. “Chronicle how you’re feeling, month by month so you can go back through it later on when we’re all out of this.” After that session ended, I opened a new tab, and thus the thought of Dubiety was born, right before my last semester of college was about to begin.
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