When May 14th came along, I laid in my bed at eleven at night with my eyes closed in the best state of mind I could be in. I popped in my headphones and went from start to finish on the album. I was surprised, satisfied and taken aback by how much more aggressive and angrier he sounded. He had the tone and aggression of an artist who was releasing their first project to get noticed. When featured artists would pop up on the album they came out of nowhere. He didn't advertise them beforehand either.
Tracks such as “My Life”, “95. South” and “l00mil” felt transcendent for him, like a new version of him had evolved in the rap game. I was hooked, borderline attached to the music. I was proud listening to the progression in his cadence and delivery.
Then, I scoured YouTube to watch others react to it. Sitting at my desk for days on end replaying reactions as people discovered great wordplay and found inspirational lines and quotes and praise Cole made me feel like I was at a concert with them every time I listened to them.
But I wasn’t…not yet at least. I didn’t just have to listen to this music in person, I needed to. Soon after the release of The Off-Season, everything I had wished for and more came true. On a random day scrolling through Instagram, I saw the Rolling Loud music festival page had J. Cole performing in New York in October and California in December. The moment I saw that he was performing with Kid Cudi and Future just days before my 24th birthday, I thought deeply about one thing certain people had told me repeatedly.
“Sometimes you’ve just got to be selfish. Sometimes you must do what you want to do and let nobody stop you sometimes.” I had seen an abundance of concert videos, posts, and recaps from so many of my friends before COVID had hit. Now I had a chance to experience it myself, and most importantly, had the funds to do so.
Tickets went on sale June 1st, but I wasn’t going to tackle this alone. Anthony was on board from the get-go. I told him to be ready on June 1st to secure the tickets and we’ll figure out the rest after that. Now I got to the chance to experience a festival with the person who I've spoken the most about music with. All the videos online we saw of thousands of people packed together to jump around, have fun, and listen to music live wasn’t going to be a dream anymore. Now it would be something we’d be apart of. The moment June 1st hit at 10am we secured our tickets.
Later in June, Cole asked his fans if he should tour his latest album. I figured he would since he was performing at two Rolling Loud festivals. You never know how artists are, especially because up until this point, no artist had toured in arenas yet because of pandemic restrictions. The moment I saw that he was coming to Dallas on October 10th, I knew I had to go. To a lot of people’s surprise, this was my first ever concert. For it to be not just one of my favorite artists, but someone who I never stopped listening to, I knew would be a moment to never forget.
Forest Hills bus rides and KOD strolls
Before I tell you about how my very first concert ever goes, it’s vital that you know where the connection to this artist began and how it’s grown so well. December is such an important month to me. It’s never been because of my birthday, but because of the loss of my father in 2012. Losing a parent is one of the hardest things to live through and I wouldn’t wish anybody to feel what I feel every December on the day he passed, which was the 12th of December. Poetic timing for it to be on 12-12-12, however, that next year, in 2013, I started the long-standing process of unloading my sadness upon myself during that time. It was almost unfair to how I was hiding my happiness for my birthday, almost burying it under remembering the lost time I could’ve had with my father.
In 2014 though, J Cole released what is considered his greatest album, 2014 Forest Hills Drive. My taste in music wasn’t known to many, mostly because I was in the band and people never bothered to ask, or figured I listened to classical stuff. In December of that year though, when I found out he had released the track on the ninth, I knew I had to listen to it. His 2013 album Born Sinner isn’t my favorite album but has tracks I enjoy such as “Forbidden Fruit, Power Trip and the title track Born Sinner.” However, it felt more like Cole’s attempt at commercial hits for me.
With Forest Hills Drive though, it was much different. It didn’t even feel like rap, but almost therapeutic rap. The bus rides I would take in the middle of December, listening to all the tracks from top to bottom in my busted headphones I would have to maneuver so they wouldn’t crack the sound out was important to me. Like most people though, the most impactful track was "Love Yourz". Other rappers have given lyrics about women, drugs, money and being atop the industry. It’s the base and forefront of success for them if they can rap those lyrics in a powerful and aggressive way, However, this was a track about how valuable your life is, especially when it's so easy to compare your life to others.
Hearing music such as that, on YouTube in my ears closing my eyes getting ready for school was just enough of a mental push to get through everyday. Everyday was hard to get through and put strength within myself to not be weighed down by loss and missed time with someone as important as my father. It wasn’t like everything was great at home either. There are parts of my life back in high school that I learned to hide so well from my closest of friends to not have them interfere or think different of me. That album was my escape and also added optimism in life. Most people wouldn’t even guess I liked rap music back then. This felt like the creative side of me that was always in need of nourishment. That's exactly what I got revisiting the album. I finally got to separate the painful side of myself that felt broken. Slowly but surely, I healed with the time I spent most like myself, just writing my feelings down and wanting to accomplish more, and impact others the way I wanted to with my words.
Nevertheless, as the years continued, those Decembers weighed down on me even heavier. I would often use the pain of that loss to never give myself a happy December 12th, instead I would allow it to get to me emotionally. This caused me to be too hard on my own mind, and not accept that I needed to be patient with how I was feeling at that time. I never thought that chapter of my life would transform again, until the festival in 2021.
The other time Jermaine’s music helped me, even morose than the first, was in the fall of 2018 with his impromptu release of KOD. He dropped it in April of 2018, but I was too busy as a student athlete transitioning into my junior year to even notice it. Sports had been a mental strength for me because I was doing it at at intense level that required a ton of focus. I had done it so far with division 1 track and field. I had unintentionally distanced myself from listening to him as heavily, until August when I began my junior year. It’s the only time in my life I felt as if I didn't have a feeling of what to do next or how to feel. Everything felt numb and unattainable, almost as if there wasn't a point to living at all.. Too many factors had weighed down on me and for the first time and I didn’t see any sort of light or hope. I was exhausted emotionally, physically, and spiritually within myself.
I never gave up on my life though and continued to push forward with the help of talking to others professionally. That escape I had before of his music though wasn’t what I used before. I simply tried to will myself through the pain by reminding myself of the positions I was leading, and how it would impact others if I wasn’t around. I wouldn’t allow myself to be trapped in my dorm every night letting my thoughts wander and destroy me from the inside. Instead, it was the nights neglecting sleep, perusing around OU’s massive campus when I would coincidentally listen to the album. I would listen to what Cole had to say about fighting your inner demons, and not allowing substances to be the reason to medicate them. He was right on time with the perfect soundtracks to sink into and strengthen me.
The interesting thing with this album, was that it was the opposite almost of Forest Hills Drive. This was trap like, which I wasn’t too fond of because of the age of mumble rap ascending. But Cole took that style and implemented important lyrics and memorable methods of self-healing. One of which was meditation, which is something to this day is apart of my life. Back then though, I hadn’t practiced it as much. The fall of my junior year was my first out of athletics, so I but focused more on being in the best shape I could possibly be for myself.
His tracks were perfect in the gym to listen to. But once again, I didn’t express my connection to him as an artist to most people. What I listened to felt like my own secret world I could be my best version of myself with. The album was what I religiously had in my music rotation and decided to learn from to better myself whenever life got too hard on me. Plus, since it was trap style, some tracks were energetic and more aggressive. It had been two years since his previous project 4 Your Eyez Only.
Now things can come around full circle, because when I positioned myself in the presidential role of the NABJ, that’s when I was at my most comfortable opening my playlist for others to know. The one who made it easiest of course, was Anthony. It only makes sense that years later I bring him to a festival to see him live. Selfishly though, for myself, seeing Cole in person in Dallas by myself was what I needed to do, to take myself back to those bus rides and walks around the campus. I found that the more I did express my choice in music, the stronger connections I made. It made me think about if I did it earlier how different would my friendships be.
However, I wouldn’t want it any other way. It was now my time to elevate my connection to music by not just listening, but truly experiencing it. Now, in 2021, I was so comfortable with my playlists, that when I wrote my first blog of Dubiety, I included an entire section of the music that had impacted me the most the year prior.
I was expressive with that hidden element of my life, that by posting out my excitement for the upcoming concert in October, others were happy for me and even wanted to go themselves. It was time to experience it on my own and immerse myself with thousands of others who had stories of their own about Cole.
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